I’m just gonna take the time to post that I’m really pissed off right now! The feeling you get when a really super great friend of yours that you’ve had for a really long time no longer cares about you anymore. Yeah, that shit sucks. And the feeling that she doesn’t even realize it sucks even worse..
Sometimes people don’t appreciate what they love until it’s gone. But clearly their love wasn’t strong enough…because what they didn’t realize till the end is that their love was just to little and to late.
I’m slowly losing my mind. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I’m getting swallowed into darkness. And I can’t escape. It’s who I am. Who I’ve always meant to be. Insanity…
When people need me I am always there for them. But when I need people they are never there for me. When my few friends are available to talk to me when I’m in need they either try to sugar coat my situation by bringing up their problems.. Or it’s like I’m talking to a magic 8 ball, I get the same answers every time. And honestly that makes me feel even more empty than before I addressed my problems. Oh, and what pisses me off the most when I’m upset is the people who tell me to stop being so negative and look at what all the good things in this world that life has to offer. Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t know I was supposed to be happy and positive and have a big fake fucking smile on my face all the time. And then I have my parents. Here I am working 8 and a half hours every day without taking a lunch break.. Not eating anything all day coming home to my parents eating dinner. “Is there any for me?” I ask. “No”… “well is there any leftovers?” “No”… “Awesome. Well I’m going out to eat, bye!” … And then that’s when my mom tells me to stop as I walk out the door. Then my dad gets to lecture me on how I come home every day and ruin their evenings. He says that I’m just a skunk who comes home, sprays my nasty smell, releasing my anger on them and then leaving in a happy mood. Well… That is just the cherry on top of my saturday after a long day of work. (Sarcasm intended.) First off, I come home without having eaten anything all day.. Find out there is no food… Say a few words and then leave. I’m angry at this point and tired. I leave because I try not to ruin everyone’s day yet I still manage to do so. May I just say that I am so sick and tired of every one expecting me to be happy and excited and positive all the fucking time. That’s not realistic because this world is flawed and the more I hold it all in the angrier and more depressed I get. I don’t even have a therapist to talk to for all my problems and abuse and rape by my ex or the abandonment by my father or my past brain tumor and all the friends that were there for me then but now that it’s gone they couldn’t care less about me..or about the fact that my mom and I have grown apart because my step dad is a controlling asshole! And why? Because it’s too “expensive” even though they have all the money in the world to buy a supercharger for their car or go to Hawaii without me or my mom to go shopping and get her hair done and her nails done. Ha.. And here I am venting on my iPhone. And posting this to my blog on tumblr where people just scroll down there news feed bypassing a long paragraph that no one bothers to read and you know what? I don’t care. Because maybe it’s just easier to not give a fuck at all. Because it seems to me that every time I get close to someone or give them my heart or full attention they have to either leave me, forget about me, ignore me for no reason, or stab me in the back. Getting attached is just one step closer to getting a ache in your gut and an empty heart. Happy Fucking Saturday.